


The Hazards of Love

by theoreticalfic



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Jossverse
Genre: F/F, F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-18
Updated: 2012-12-18
Packaged: 2017-11-21 11:51:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/597438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoreticalfic/pseuds/theoreticalfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of seventeen mostly unrelated drabbles inspired by, if not actually based on, the Decemberists' album The Hazards of Love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hazards of Love

**1\. Prelude** (Drusilla/Spike)

_I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it._

A fungus demon.

A _fungus demon_?

A bloody _fungus_ demon? Slime and antlers wasn't bad enough?

Spike is quite sure that he will never love again.

\-------------------------------------

 **2\. The Hazards of Love 1 (The Prettiest Whistles Won't Wrestle the Thistles Undone)** (Anya/Xander)

Anya knows all about love.

It is awful, horrible, and disgusting, and inevitably leads to awful, horrible, and disgusting things like diseases, babies, and heartbreak, which leads to lovers wishing awful, horrible, and disgusting things on each other, which Anya would then come along to take care of.

You know. Evisceration, castration, being banished to a world without shrimp, things like that.

Anya knows all of these things, and yet, here, lying next to Xander, of all people, Xander Harris, whom she was _supposed_ to have exacted Cordelia's vengeance on, Anya finds that she does not much care.

Anya is slowly learning about love, and finding that maybe it isn't quite so bad.

\-------------------------------------

 **3\. A Bower Scene** (Darla/Drusilla)

Darla is distraught, moreso than Drusilla has ever seen her, and Spike too, if Spike would stop and notice what's going on for one minute. Drusilla may be insane, but at least she can tell that something's wrong with Darla. Spike is trying to assert himself as the alpha male of the group. It isn't working.

Spike says things like, "Haven't heard from Angelus in a while. Don't suppose he ran off with someone else, do you?"

Darla does not tell him that Angelus has gone and gotten himself a filthy soul. Darla does not say much of anything anymore.

Drusilla knows. She knows things; sees things, and sometimes is sane enough to interpret those things.

Drusilla sends Spike off to fetch dinner, and Darla finds comfort with her the only way she knows how.

Spike returns with dinner, and Darla and Drusilla are fully dressed and Drusilla says "Thank you for dinner, love," and as they all sink their fangs into their latest victim Spike is none the wiser.

\-------------------------------------

 **4\. Won't Want for Love (Margaret in the Taiga)** (Buffy/Faith)

Buffy is not interested in her, and she knows it.

Of course, this doesn't bother Faith at all.

Of course.

Faith aims the bow, through the sights watching Buffy and Angel walking. Are they fighting? Faith bites back the surge of hope. No. Angel or no Angel, Buffy doesn't want her.

She lets the arrow go, watches Buffy rush to Angel's side as he falls. Angel, always Angel, she'll do anything to save Angel, she'd take a bullet for him even though he could survive it and she couldn't.

Buffy would not do any of those things for Faith.

Faith is sure of that.

Faith does not love Buffy, oh no. She does not love that stupid little bitch who's in love with a vampire and what part of vampire _Slayer_ don't you understand, dammit B, we're the chosen two, we're...

"Missed the heart."

"Meant to," she says.

She doesn't want Angel's.

\-------------------------------------

 **5\. The Hazards of Love 2 (Wager All)** (Tara/Willow)

Tara does not know how Willow feels about her.

She is entirely sure of how she feels about Willow, of course; that is not the question.

Willow sometimes talks about Oz. Oz was quiet, laconic; Tara is quiet, shy. She does not know what to think. They have a closeness, somehow, through the magic, and without it as well. But Willow does not like girls, as far as Tara knows, though sometimes Willow takes Tara's hand, and Tara does not know what to make of that.

Tara is usually quite shy and is rarely if ever forward, but today she takes Willow in her arms and leans forward to bring her lips to Willow's, and though Willow might not be interested in girls let alone interested in her and maybe this will make things awkward or maybe ruin their friendship entirely, Tara wagers all.

\-------------------------------------

 **6\. The Queen's Approach** (Cordy/Fred)

Fred arranges the candles, the flowers, the bed. She is not sure exactly how to do so and is tempted to write out an algorithm for efficient romantic-evening-setups but this room's walls are bare and if she started writing on them now she would never finish in time and Fred can hear footsteps getting closer and so she settles herself back on the bed and waits for Cordy to arrive.

\-------------------------------------

 **7\. Isn't It a Lovely Night?** (Buffy/Faith)

Faith desperately wants a cigarette, and considers stepping outside. It's a good night for a cigarette, not too cold or too warm out, and the stars are out, and if Faith were the type of person to care about that sort of thing, the whole stars-being-out thing would be kinda pretty.

But Faith does not move. It would be like her to get up out of the other person's bed at about this time, and go have a cigarette, and then never come back.

But Faith isn't that type of person anymore. It's Buffy's bed this time, and there's no place Faith would rather be.

It's a good night to go out and have a cigarette, but it's a better night to stay in.

\-------------------------------------

 **8\. The Wanting Comes in Waves/Repaid** (Oz/Willow, Tara/Willow)

_I took a bullet for you. Right in the arm._

"Tara," Willow murmurs, her breath coming in short gasps. "Oh, Tara..."

_I wrote you dozens of songs. (And, okay, Devon didn't really do them justice, but I played them for you, alone, just me and my acoustic, remember?)_

Willow gasps, clenches her fingers tightly through Tara's hair, moans softly.

_I went all over the world learning to control the wolf. But right now, it's dying to come out again._

"I love you, Tara," she whispers, "oh, I love you, I love you, I love you."

_This is how I am repaid?_

"I love you, Willow," Tara whispers back.

\-------------------------------------

 **9\. An Interlude** (Fred/Willow)

"I have to say, someday I'd love to bend your ear about the Pergamum Codex. I think some of the really obscure passages are actually Latin translated from a demonic tongue, and they're kind of a hoot." Fred giggles. "All this stuff about bacchanals and spells, and... actually, I think it's probably funnier in Latin. You know how that is sometimes."

Willow smiles. "I... you know, I still have a few hours before I have to head back to Sunnydale."

\-------------------------------------

 **10\. The Rake's Song** (Angelus/Darla)

It was a present.

"Happy birthday, Angelus," she had said.

_Happy birthday, Angelus._

I remember that.

Oh, I remember all of it with perfect clarity.

The crying, screaming, the blood

_so much blood_

I -- we -- were laughing.

Darla.

Oh, God.

I remember.

All of it.

I'm so sorry.

\-------------------------------------

 **11\. The Abduction of Margaret** (Drusilla/Spike)

_I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her until she likes me again._

Yeah.

So, um, that's going well.

Right.

\-------------------------------------

 **12\. The Queen's Rebuke/The Crossing** (Cordy/Kate Lockley)

"What the hell are you doing here? I told you, Angel's not here--"

"Right. I was just--" The policewoman stops, trying to think of an explanation.

"Oh, and can I make a suggestion?" Cordelia doesn't wait for Kate to respond, of course. "Get over it."

"Excuse me?" Kate blinks. "Over what?"

"Whatever! So you have vampire issues and daddy issues and who knows what else. Stop taking it out on Angel. He's a good guy. And for God's sake please stop taking it out on yourself and _lighten the hell up_."

Kate immediately stiffens, becomes defensive. She folds her arms. "Don't--"

"Light. En. The. Hell. Up." Cordelia smiles, leans forward, kisses Kate on the lips playfully. "Now, I _could_ help you with that..."

\-------------------------------------

 **13\. Annan Water** (Buffy/Faith)

I don't know how I knew, I just _did_.

It wasn't a dream or a vision. I just _knew_ , suddenly, that I was really the Chosen _One_ , that you were gone.

And I was stuck here behind bars and couldn't do anything.

Not that I could have done anything anyway, but...

Fuck, I'm sorry, it's stupid, I know, you're back now, it's no big deal, you've died twice now, ha-ha, whatever.

I just --

I would have done anything to get you back. Hell, I think I even prayed, to the Powers that Be or whoever the hell is out there.

I don't think you know how much it hurt, knowing that you -- and that I'd never told you that I--

Well, you're back. Whatever. It's not important.

\-------------------------------------

 **14\. Margaret in Captivity** (Cordy/Fred)

 

Fred is still adjusting to life back on Earth, where humans are humans and cows are cows and although Angel bursts into flames in the sunlight, there are _tacos_ , so, y'know, that's good.

Fred stays in her room and writes things on the walls. In a way she's still living in a cave. She hides under the bed sometimes, and recites pi to as many digits as she feels like until she decides to go back to writing on the walls.

Cordy tells the others that Fred is insane and in dire need of new clothes (which, okay, may be true, but that's not the point), but Cordy knocks on Fred's door late at night, says in a quiet, soothing voice, "Hey, it's me," and brings her plates of tacos, and Fred smiles.

\-------------------------------------

 **15\. The Hazards of Love 3 (Revenge!)** (Anya/Cordy)

It was not supposed to go this way at all.

Cordelia Chase was supposed to wish something horrible on Xander Harris, and Anyanka was supposed to grant said wish.

Simple, right?

Instead, Cordelia started ranting about Xander, and then men in general, and then finally ended her rant with "You know, I wish I was -- no, you know what? I wish _everyone_ was gay."

It wasn't really Anya's place as a vengeance demon to question a scorned woman's wishes -- if they led to worlds of shrimp or obsessions with McKinley, so be it -- so Anya said, "Done."

And suddenly realized that "everyone" included, apparently, herself.

Cordelia looked at Anya. Anya looked at Cordelia.

They shrugged, and went for it.

\-------------------------------------

 **16\. The Wanting Comes in Waves (Reprise)** (Tara/Willow)

" _Your shirt..._ "

Tara.

Tara?

Tara, please get up please get up oh goddess oh goddess I love you I love you please get up baby please get up oh fuck please no goddess no please get up I need you I love you

please

\-------------------------------------

 **17\. The Hazards of Love 4 (The Drowned)** (Cordy/Fred, Buffy/Faith, Anya/Xander, Willow/Tara)

Cordelia Chase, former Queen Bitch of Sunnydale High and former Princess of Pylea, sits back and lets Fred, tiny, meek, shy Fred, take control.

Faith pulls Buffy close, and Buffy is surprised to discover that Faith kisses softly and gently, her eyes drifting closed, a genuine smile on her face.

Anya clings to an oblivious snoring Xander desperately, hoping that the things she used to get called about all the time as a demon never happen to her now as a human.

Willow snuggles up next to Tara, ignoring the pang of guilt that comes with every breath she takes in, the smell of Lethe's Bramble filling her lungs. What Tara doesn't remember won't hurt her.

_These hazards of love  
Nevermore will trouble us_

END.

\-------------------------------------


End file.
